1. Sorry, fellas
2. Some things are worth the wait
ME: im glad we waited until our wedding night to do this
WIFE: i am too
[we get under the covers]
ME: omg we're about to eat pizza in bed
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 10, 2016
3. May the most stubborn win
— Matt Keyser (@WriteOnKeyser) February 12, 2016
4. Swipe right if you love doing dishes!
Marriage is just taking turns doing dishes until one of you dies and the other one has to learn how to use Tinder to find a replacement.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) February 1, 2016
5. Tupperware is tricky, OK?
95% of marriage is just wondering how many times one dumbass can screw up the entire Tupperware situation.
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) February 2, 2016
Introducing ‘Till Death: A raw, emotional, uncut look into marriage
6. One plate of buttered sawdust comin’ up!
Wife just faked me out with mashed potatoes made out of cauliflower. My marriage is a sham. Put that much butter on sawdust and I'll eat it.
— Gord McDonald (@GordieMcDonald) February 3, 2016
7. Choose wisely
The biggest problem I have with marriage is that I'm never quite sure what I'm allowed to eat out of my own damned fridge.
— Lance Concannon (@concannon) February 1, 2016
8. Work and chores make husband and wife a dull couple
Marriage is where you go to work then come home and do chores every day until you die.
— Heather (@fuhheather) February 1, 2016
9. Talk about a shitty situation
#Marriage is fighting over how far to put the toilet paper holder from the toilet because the kids you dont have wont be able to reach it
— Uhhh, K (@KMOlogy) February 2, 2016
Husband: What the hell is a delegate? Me: It's something you have to handle with care. Husband: *nods* Marriage is fun, you guys.
— Kimberly A. Bettes (@KimberlyABettes) February 2, 2016
11. “Here’s my credit card, honey”
Soon it will be Valentine's Day.
I can't decide what kind of flowers to order for myself from my husband.
Marriage is complicated.
— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) February 2, 2016
12. You’ve been voted to the couch
Marriage is weird. There are only two of us, yet somehow I keep getting outvoted.
— Matt Klopot (@mattskindafunny) February 1, 2016
13. Happy wife, happy life
Literally just convinced Ethen to text a lady about her mini pig he found on Craigslist ???? our marriage is going in the right direction!??
— sarah parks (@Sarah_xoxo1214) February 1, 2016
14. Life in the wife lane
Can you not drive like a Sunday driver?
Can you not drive like a God damn idiot?
This is marriage.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 7, 2016
15. Crazy in love
Marriage is a wonderful institution. I should know, I was institutionalized many years ago.
— Hank Cox (@HankHCox) February 1, 2016
16. Must have been in the fine print
I like to occasionally remind my husband that our marriage is a legally binding contract which allows me to smooch him whenever I want
— M.J. Pack (@megslice) February 2, 2016
17. You bought what?!
My mom won't stop bugging me about my bank account…..this is exactly how marriage is gonna be isn't it
— M✭tt (@M_PriZzLe) February 2, 2016
18. Uncle Sam now pronounces you man & wife
The person who invented marriage is creepy. Like "hey I love you so much that im gonna get the government involved so you can't leave"
— Matthew Knowles (@mknowles13) February 2, 2016
19. Just wait ’till he starts snoring
20. Just be sure to clean up the mess 😉
— Team Sh! (@ShWomenstore) February 1, 2016
21. For life
Marriage is not a title. It's a commitment. It's not isolation. It's solace. ❤️
— Zeina (@ZeinaRammal) February 2, 2016
22. It’s the little things
23. Remember to hold hands as you leave the house
Marriage is honestly just implementing the buddy system into life in general
— Oliver Young (@olivercyoung) February 1, 2016
24. Accompanied by dozens of smooches
The best part of marriage is probably gonna be having someone to constantly annoy and force to cuddle.
— Tabs (@tabbzz16) February 1, 2016
25. Too many forced cuddles, probably
26. Work hard, play hard
— Katie W. Branscum (@katiebranscum) February 1, 2016
27. Be a rock for one another
When I'm weak, you can be strong; when I'm strong, you can be weak. That's what I believe marriage is. Gisele Bundchen
— Kennisha Moffett (@KennishaMoffett) January 31, 2016
29. ‘Till death do you part
The ? to marriage is not getting married, it's about staying married ?
— WAYNE FROM DA BANG (@NOLIABEATS904) February 2, 2016
My first book, ‘Till Death, takes a raw, emotional, uncut look into what it takes to maintain a successful marriage, through the good times and bad and all times in between, as told by married couples.
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